FLOWER LICKING: THE NEW SEXTING
The old saying is “Take time to stop and smell the roses.” Today pre-teens and teens are taking it one step further. They’re taking time to sensually rub their tongues all over the petals.
“When we first noticed that student were bringing bouquets to school, “says Dr. Jeremy Bent, superintendent of the Rhode Island Department of Education, “it was assumed that kids were just trying to brighten up their lives. But that was when it was clear they were licking them. Then we thought that it was some sort of drug thing, like robocopping or jegging. So we ignored it, because kids will be kids. And, well, kids are dumb.”
Once it became clear that flower licking was erotic in nature, educators and child welfare groups became concerned.
Johanna Roberta Wilson of the Stop Touching Yourself Organization declares it another sign of how youths innocence is being eroded. “It is sick. Much like genitalia, flowers are meant to be seen and smells, not fondled. In my day flowers were for weddings and funerals. Not sex. Dirty dirty sex sex. Kids today are acting like bees!”
Some teens however do not see anything wrong with the act. “Adults just don’t get it,” whines Matthew Little, a sixteen year old student from Theodore Bilbo High School. “We just want to explore without actually making skin to skin contact. Girls are kinda gross. We just want to get our pollen on!”
Many townships have instituted an eighteen and over age limit on community and botanical gardens.
(Articles using stock photos that in most circumstances have no use. Inspired by this.)
WHEN EXPECTANT HUSBANDS EMPATHIZE TOO MUCH
by Catherine Fogelstom
It happens time and time again: Your husband puts sperm inside you, you get pregnant, you just want to go through it by yourself without bothering anyone, and then hubby starts acting weird. He stuffs sofa cushions into his over-sized shirts. He shaves his head. He gardens and writes poems about the flowers he grows. What’s going on? Why can’t he, for just once, be a man?
First, realize that you are not alone. This happens to most men to one extent or another. Men are just wired this way. When confronted with something they don’t understand, they get emotional. How do you think the Catholic church came about? Am I right?
Part of it is that their nostrils start to fill with all of your new life-brewing hormones and it confuses their brains. “What’s that?” their brains say. “That doesn’t smell like something I want to have sex with or eat? What do I do?” So they try to become it. This is a Darwinian response. Back in the cave-people days, if a bunch of the tribe was knocked up, men would use camouflage to protect themselves. It is a proven fact that wolves to not like the taste of unborn children. So if your man is doing this, remember: He is being true to nature.
They shave their heads be more like a fresh born baby. Deep inside they realize soon a small person will be all up in your lady parts and, subconsciously, they are jealous.
But knowing that this is all normal still leaves you with the nagging question (and we love to nag, am I right, ladies?), “What do I do about this annoying person who put this animal-thing inside me?” The answer, ignore him. Lock the bedroom door at night and let him fend for himself. Once the baby is born he will return to normal.
You should enjoy the flowers. But the poems will be awful.
(Articles using stock photos that in most circumstances have no use. Inspired by this.)
